we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
