Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize