she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
