Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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