If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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