ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
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