I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
