dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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