She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
