I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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