Me. At least after what I've been through.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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