he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
