I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize