Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
