When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We are all done wearing pants today
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
