you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
