farters have to be the big spoon...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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