Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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