i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
