Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
