I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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