remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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