he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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