After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
why do cheetos always look like penises
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
