hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
