I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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