got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
