i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
