your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
