Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
