just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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