He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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