My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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