I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
