It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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