Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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