Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
