six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
