I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
