did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
