You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
