you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
