Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
