When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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