Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
