I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
