I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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