So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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