someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
