He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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