watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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