as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
