I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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