Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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