We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
