just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
