well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
